Sunday, March 30, 2008

I suck at titles

Okay, this is going to be splainy post. Like I said before, I'm a high school student. What I forgot to mention was that I'm home schooled. I am not going to go into the reasons why in this post. I just want to explain why it is that I am going to be able to post at all different times of the day. First of all, I am wrapping up my school work, so I have a lot of time on my hands. Second, I live in a town where there's not a lot of stuff that I want to do.

So why am I blogging? Quite honestly, I have no idea. I have never done anything like this before, and I don't really know what I'm doing. I don't think anyone is reading this, maybe no one ever will. And that's OK with me. If nothing else, this blog is giving me a chance to speak. I just don't know if I have anything to say.

To be honest, I'm scared। Turning eighteen kind of feels like crap. I don't feel grown-up. But apparently I'm supposed to be. I went to an expensive private school for most of my life. Most of my friends are pretty well off. Not me. I had to stop going there because of money. (Not the reason for the homeschooling) All life I was taughtthat you need to go to college, but now I can't afford it.

My two closest friends come from a completely different background than me. I been through two divorces of my mom's and the two of us struggle to make ends meet. My friends' parents are together and are able to give them pretty much anything they ask for.

Like I said in my last post, I'm going away with each of my friends this summer. New York and Orlando. Honestly, although I'm thrilled to be going, I'm terrified at taking the money. When my father died I inherited enough to kind of cushion things for a few months. These trips will ruin that. I hadn't been planning on going, but everyone around me said it was foolish not to take this opportunity. I feel selfish for going. I know how much this money could help out my mom.... I'm going to stop talking like this. Arrangements have been made, and I'll just have to work my butt off to make up the difference when I get back.

And now I'm back at the part that I feel so unsure about. How am I suppose to close a posting? Hell, it's my blog, I can close whatever way I want to. I'm done talking for now and it's not like there's anyone reading this right now anyway.


Saturday, March 29, 2008

Just another day

I stayed over at Lena's last night. We spent a couple of hours looking up where to stay and what to do in Orlando. We decided to stay at The Boardwalk at Disney World. I've never been there before and I'm really starting to look forward to it.

Afterwards, instead of going out like we had planned, we went and rented a couple of movies. Dan in Real Life and The Hitcher. We both loved Dan, and I would have enjoyed The Hitcher; Lena wasn't sure she wanted to watch it. After a little while we ending up turning it off and ordering Why Did I Get Married on pay-per-view. I really liked that one. It reinforced that fact that I never want to get married, but I loved anyway.

This morning we just lounged around. After she brought me home, I laid out for the first time this year. Between not getting a lot of sleep and the sun, I ended up crashing for a while.


Thursday, March 27, 2008

Growing up can suck

I can't wait for this summer! First I'm going to New York with Lo and then to Orlando with Lena. I'm sooooo excited. I have so much to do before then. Tomorrow I'm going to make a list of everything that I need to get. Here's hoping I'll have some money left for the actual trips. What is making things difficult is the fact that I haven't been able to by new clothes for a couple of years. (Other than the bare necessities. And crap, I am so going to get that stuck in my head.) That means that I am kind of starting from scratch, and that takes a lot of my money.

Lo came over today, and we finally exchanged Christmas and birthday gifts. Took long enough. Her new car rocks! I wish I could afford one. We got to talking about Lena, and well, they still aren't getting along. It sucks for your two closest friends to dislike each other. Lena just can't accept the fact that Lo isn't like her.

Looking back to when we all met makes me sad. The three of us were inseparable. God, I can't believe we were only ten; it seems like that was just yesterday. When you're that age types don't matter as much, but as we grew older.... I guess we changed. No, that isn't right. Lena was just as girly and Lo loved art and anime just as much. So why is it that we fit together then? When did we start judging our friends for being themselves? I mean, isn't who we were the reason we became friends in the first place?


Sunday, March 23, 2008

The story of A Change

This is a story I wrote as an English assignment yesterday.

A Change

Fourteen months ago, Lorie Sanders was thought of as a very lucky woman. At sixty-seven, she had everything that she had dreamed of as a little girl. She and Paul, her husband of forty-six years, had raised four children into beautiful and independent adults. Just the week before, they along with their families, had all been home for Thanksgiving dinner. It was the first time in years that all of them had been able to make it in years. Lorie realized then, just how fortunate she was. Three of her children were married and now parents themselves, and the fourth would receive her law degree shortly. They had all seemed so happy, in a time where it seems happiness is in short supply. Yes, Lorie Sanders was a woman to envy.

But that was fourteen months ago. At the moment, Lorie is sitting in her kitchen staring at the clock. She’s watched it as it slowly moved from 1:30 to a quarter ‘til three. There is an air of grief and exhaustion surrounding her. She knows that things have to change, tonight. Lorie walks over to the other side of the room. A photograph hangs there, a photograph of a laughing family enjoying a Thanksgiving dinner. In it, her husband Paul has his arm around her. God, to think that that picture was taken only a month before his heart attack. It had been completely unexpected, and he died three days later after a second heart attack had struck. Her eyes move over to her son and daughter-in-law. They had made such a beautiful couple. It’s been almost a year since she received the call that would rock her world for the second time in a short period of time. A truck driver had fallen asleep at the wheel and crashed into the car, killing both instantly. They had left three children behind. So now, Lorie finds her self raising a young family once again, this time alone. Her daughters had offered to take them, but Lorie knew that that would put to much stress on their families. The girls, Julie and Addie, seemed to be adjusting as well as possible. But Jed, well, he…

Screech. RAPPPPP! Lorie jumped as the old screen door banged shut. She could hear Jed mutter a curse in the living room. He hadn’t been expecting for her to be waiting up for him. She studied him as he came in the kitchen. Not quite yet fifteen, but already a little over six feet tall. Just like his daddy, her baby. He had his father’s chiseled features and physique, as well, not that he let anyone see it. Jed’s hair hung in his face, greasy and unkempt and the baggy clothes swallowed his form. Lorie readied herself for what was to come.

“Well, hi.”


“Where were you?”


“Well, your curfew was almost…”

“Jeez! What the hell is the matter with me having fun?”

“Don’t you use that language in this house! And watch your volume, your sisters are asleep."

“Whatever. I wasn’t hurting anybody. Just hanging with some of the guys.”

“Hanging with some of the guys, huh? And tell me, just what exactly is it that you and the guys need to be doing at three a.m. on a school night.?”


“By the smell of you, my guess is that that nothing includes alcohol and… marijuana, is it?”

“So what? What does it matter to you if I was dicking, er, having some fun. Like, I said I wasn’t hurting nobody.”

“Oh, you weren’t hurting anybody. I suppose you were at Julie’s game and I just missed you. I suppose that you didn’t miss our family dinner three weeks in a row. And I suppose that I wasn’t really sitting here all this time wondering if the phone was going to ring and tell me someone else I love is dead.”

“Christ, why don't you try to be a little more dramatic, huh?”

But Lorie could see that he was trying not to tear up. “Oh, Jed. I wish you would talk to me about your parents.”

“Why? There is nothing thing to say, they’re gone!” Jed griped the counter. Lorie could see how hard he was he was fighting his feelings. She walked over to him and put her arms around him from behind.

“Of course there is something to say. You have been trying to ignore what happened for all these months and you can’t. Your parents are dead, and you don’t have to be strong when it comes to that.” Jed shoulders started to shake as his wracked his body.

“Why did it happen?” Now Lorie started to cry.

“I don’t know, sweetie. I’ve thought and thought about why, but I just don’t know. What I do know is how much they loved you and your sisters, and how much seeing you hurting yourself would cost them. They wouldn’t want you to act this way. That isn’t how they raised you.”

She could see that his temper was back. Jed pulled away from her, and look like he was about to start yelling again when a small sob was heard from the stairway.

Both Lorie and Jed turned to see Julie standing there crying. Lorie hurried to her. “Sweetie, how long have you been out of bed?”

“Jed woke me up when he started yelling.” Lorie glanced at Jed, who had started to come over.

He knelt down by Julie and told her, “Little bit, I’m sorry for that. But this conversation is between me and Grams. So how about you go back up to bed and try to sleep. I promise to keep it down.”

Now it was Julie’s temper that had started to flare. She stopped crying and jerked away from her brother’s hand. “No!” She screamed at him. “I WON’T go back upstairs so you can yell at Grams!”

“Now wait just a minute, kid. You stop talking-“

But that was as far as he got, before Julie pushed him back and began to yell again. “You stop! You are so selfish, Jed. You act like you are the only one who lost mama and daddy. You never, ever talk to me and Addie anymore. You might as well be dead to, because we lost you too,” Julie sobbed.

Jed looked like he had been kicked in the stomach. He hugged Julie close to him, muttering apologies in her ear. Julie clung to him as if she were starved for his attention, which he realized she was. Lorie had tears pouring down her face and she realized that she was watching Jed become the head of his family.

Later, after he had tucked Julie into bed and watching her go to sleep, Jed walked to his grandmother’s room. He was planning on apologizing to her, but when he got there, she had already fallen asleep. He studied her. How had he not realized the changes in her appearance? She was still beautiful, but it was clear how the pain of the last year and a half had aged her. Jed recognized for the first time in his life that she was getting older.

He thought back to seeing his grandparents together. Jed remembered how Lorie used to glow for within. His dad had told him once that they were all the proof the world needed to know that true love existed. Jed vowed right then that he was going to do everything in his power to see that light back in her again.

What he didn’t know was that for Lorie a change had already taken place. Lorie knew that she had gotten her grandson back that night, and had found sleep easily for the first time in almost fourteen months. Yes, she had gotten her change, and a promise for tomorrow.

The End.


Thursday, March 20, 2008

So i had a bad day...

So today has sucked and to top it off, I just got in a fight with my mom. Our relationship is very shaky, and I don't know how to fix it. And I'm not so sure she wants to. My mom works hard, maybe harder than anyone I know. She's a teacher, and anyone who has a loved one who teaches knows how amazing of a person it takes. They also know what a joke a teacher's salary is. Especially for a single mom. But it seems like my mom thinks that working hard is enough to excuse her from acting like a mother all the time. I mean, she has two daughters who would love to spend time with her, and she'd rather spend it away from us. At least that's how it feels.

Like tonight, I went to her door to ask her something and she told me she was busy and ask it through the door. She was at her desk which means she wouldn't have even had to get up to unlock the door. Why would she do that? Earlier she went shopping with my sister and when she came home, she said that she is sick of having my sister expecting her to always be available. It was SHOPPING!!! If you didn't want to go, you don't have to. It's that simple. But no, she goes and then she lets us know how much we wasted her time.

And it hurts. At least my sister has her husband and other people in her life. For me, mom is the only, and I do mean the only, one who knows everything I've through. That means that when I need to talk to her about certain things and she refuses, I'm stuck dealing with whatever it is all by myself. That makes me feel so alone.

I think that is all I'm going to write for now. I am so tired, and I honestly don't feel like thinking anymore right now. Especially when I'm thinking such happy thoughts. Hope your day was better than mine.


Wednesday, March 19, 2008

My father

Right after my last post, I developed a profile at Windows Live under kikitkat's space. It's another work in progress, but I'm excited about it --- SO PLEASE CHECK IT OUT. If you do. you will probably notice that at the moment my messenger doesn't have any friends. No, I am not a hermit. It is just that I haven't told anyone close to me about either that messenger nor this blog.

While I have decided to use this blog for all sorts of things, one of them is as a personal journal. I wouldn't feel like I have the freedom to express my feelings completely on certain things if I knew the people in my life were reading my words.

To kind of change the subject, I wanted to write about something that has been on my mind a lot. A couple of months ago my father passed away. To say that our relationship was complicated would be a huge understatement. In my earlier post I said that he was abusive. This abuse took place when I was very young, and the last time I saw my father was when I was around five years old. However, there wasn't a day that he didn't effect my life. He had gone as far as to kidnap my older half-brother from his mother one time for a few days, and had threatened that he would do the same to me.

My father was bipolar and some of the professionals he had seen thought he was possibly also schizophrenic. So I guess my mom had good reason to be afraid.* As a child, I wasn't allowed to even check the mail without someone going with me, and it wasn't until I was sixteen my mother would let me stay home without the alarm on. I wasn't able to go on field trips unless an adult from my family could go with me and that wasn't often. Despite this and the other even more personal effects he had on my life, when I found out that he had died... I fell apart as if he had been Mike Brady. For the first couple of weeks after it was really hard to grasp, because he wasn't an active part of my life. So I would feel fine for awhile and then fall apart again.

I guess the reason that I wanted to write this down is that there isn't anyone for me to talk about him to. I was hoping to feel some kind of closure, but maybe this isn't something that is supposed be like that.

*I was going to wrap up there but as I was proofreading (... and I do realize that my writing is far from concise and my sentences too long) I realized something I want to clear up. I don't mean to imply that people with bipolar disorder are dangerous. My father desperately needed to be on medication for his imbalance and sometimes refuse to take it. That on top of the fact that he had abusive tendencies is what made him a danger.


Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Intro to me

Like I said in my profile, this blog is really the only thing I've ever done on the Internet. So for now I'm just going to use as a diary of sorts---not that I've ever had one of those either. Maybe in the future I'll do something different with it. Chances are, you probably won't be interested. If you aren't, just don't read it.

For the most part I've been raised by a single mother. She is very old-fashioned about most things. Well, I'm not sure if that's the right term. You see, she is a Christian. Not one of those sit-in-the-front-pew-on-Sunday-then-do-whatever-you-want Christians, but a person who tries her best to do what she thinks God wants her to do.

She enrolled me at private Christian school at age five, and did everything she could to try to instill in me her love for everything God. But I... it didn't work. I'm not even sure if I believe there is a God. My childhood was a mix of church and complete hell.

An physically abusive father, followed by an extremely verbally abusive step-father were some of the biggest factors of that hell. I had a lot of friends but there are some things that people just don't want to hear about. Instead I learned to escape into movies, t.v.,and books. That led to me becoming very confused. I mean, imagine it, a ten-year-old being raised by a mother who for years considered butt a bad word, suddenly discovering Sex and the City. The end result is a thought process that resembles a debate between Dee Snider and Tipper Gore. I mean, OUCH!

That all I have time write for now, hope my first post didn't suck too much. Would love feedback.